Meadow In A Can

The result of millions of billions of genetic combinations. Resulting in this particular being. Still asking the same question. Which is - What does all of this mean? My brain cells are trying to impose some sort of order on top of chaos. Attempting to make sense out of nonsense. Finding patterns that will ease the ego. Random chaos is not meaningless, just sporadic.

January 17, 2006

Times I take two steps back...

You came in to offer your love.
I'd felt the need to control actions.
As I was attempting, I realized
so I ran away

To write out my frustration and lack of understanding of myself.

I lashed out at you.
As in days gone past when
I hadn't learned to express those feelings
repressed for me until I'd been trained
to do it on my own.
Replaced with fear and anger.

"Is the point to have an audience?"
you enquire of me

"Yes." I answered, "Yes, it is."

That was the point for so long.
It made me feel
important
loved
as though I mattered
and
there was a purpose for my existance
other than
being the dumping ground
for my mother's frustration.

Is this currently the point?

I am torn in two.

One says "Yes, still it is."
The other replies "No, there is more to be experienced."

The Vivaldi plays on in the background.

I weep.

Who am I?

"Who am I"?
A question that's deceptively simple.
One that has been asked for generations

"Who I am" - is not "Who I used to be".
Who I used to be is vanishing slowly.
The many ties that used to define the essence of
"Who I am"
have been cut - all but one.
That one gets thinner everyday.
Once that tie is gone,
the "Who I am"
of days past will have disappeared forever.

She will remain only in my memory.

The question has become
"Who am I now"?
What am I to replace the what was with?

I feel like the final flickers
of smouldering embers.
That fire is going out.

Who will rise from the ashes,
of an extinguished persona?

Saturn has returned and now moves
onto my horizon.
The presentation of
"Who I am"
to the world.

"Who I am" past slips away
out of my fingers.
Saturn will complete that task.

"Who I am" present must be rebuilt
piece by piece

That "Who I am" shall stand until
Saturn returns once more,
and I must begin again.

The future holds
"Who I am"
to be.

Made by the "Who I am" past
and presently growing into.
Synthesized into
a whole being.

January 16, 2006

The Sounds of Silence

You suggest to me this thing or that I should do to express myself to the world.

“You should start singing again and get some gigs.”
“You should write a book on parenting.”
“You should be an activist for those ideals you believe in.”

The 1st - I used as an escape from the reality of what life used to be. It is not my current reality so I cannot find a place for it in my reality that is now. Somehow it never seems to work out.

The 2nd – What the hell would I say? What could I contribute that hasn't already been said? In addition to that, there times I feel a fraud or fake because I talk up the attachment parenting and then there are times where I feel so miserable in my position and I want to run away as fast and as far as I can go. Then I remember that I have no where else to go. Even if I did, I would be miserable not here. So I stay.

In the 3rd – Where would I be activating and what would it be? The other people in this zip code don't seem to give 2 shits about anything other than paying bills, buying consumables, and what's on the “fix box.” Escapism runs rampant here. Who am I to point fingers though? Sometimes I would like to escape too.

I feel so isolated. Why can't I be happy? There really isn't much wrong with my life other than if we had a bit more income so that we could be completely self-sustaining on our own.

I have three intelligent, healthy, and inspite of my mistakes, remarkedly well adjusted and happy children. A fabulous husband who does anything for me, loves me. I am in the prime of my life, attractive, healthy, and intelligent.

Why do I feel like something is missing?
What is this dissatisfaction about?
Where is the sliver in my finger so I can pull it out?

Who the hell would want to listen to what I have to say anyhow?

One of the aspects in my natal chart, says if left in the static mode of opperation the result would be frusterated mediocracy.

That describes it just right.
How do I break through this barrier?
Where is the fill dirt for this hole?

It's inside me, I can feel it.

If I don't find it, it matters not where I go, or what I do, I'll not find peace. That's my gut feeling. I'll end up an old, bitter woman alone, wondering where it all went so wrong and “What if I'd have” herself into a shrivled husk of a being.

Part of me knows without a doubt that if ever we move out of this house and away from this town which has held so many hurts, so much pain in our lives, It would finally heal itself.
Then there is that little tiny voice that says “What if that's not it?”

I need to do something, accomplish something.
“What is it?” you ask.

If I knew, I'd tell you.

I know I am doing important work. I am accomplishing the most important work in the world. I am caring for three human beings. It just seems so long till they are going to be done as far as my influence and molding is concerned. Then there are times that I wonder why has it gone so fast?

Once you get the sliver out – the pain subsides.

Calm inside now. I can go on.

It has been the absense of sounds that has soothed my soul.

Sisyphus and Prometheus

I strain to move
the boulder
up
as is my punishment

As I reach the crest
it must
be
released

I meld into
another being

Lay down

I spread my limbs
I am bound
The eagle comes to me
My heart is the offering
for penance

A realization has made itself known to me

I have not escaped
as I believed I would
when I grew to be
as big as
they
were

They are here
inside of me
Feeding off my heart
Forcing me to let go
of the boulder

I cannot hide
anywhere

I am engulfed
in their residual
essences

They consume
who
I could have been

Leaving behind
only
the whisper
of my potential
for me to spread thing

'Tis woefully inadequate

My anguish feeds
the Parasite

Anger
Fear
Hate
Rage
Betrayal

These I have known
intimately

Love
Trust
Joy
Happiness

These seem to slip through
my fingers

In spite of my grasping

Internalization of foreign
concepts

Integration of simple
states of being

The crux of my delemma

Therein lays the crest of
my hill

The freedom from

My Bondage

January 13, 2006

Dear Mother Culture

I was conceived and the universe was born.
I was born and my purpose revealed itself.
You put the blinders on.
Nailed them to my head.
One for the LEFT - FATHER
One for the RIGHT - MOTHER
They were unknowing pawns
in your twisted, sick, rotted game.
Hooked up into the beast.
Force-Fed by the system which was created by you.
That's where I first learned how to swallow.
Gulped down the rancid ejaculations of your fucking cock.
I was different.
I knew I was
That's a bad thing because you like the COOKIE CUTTER
ZOMBIED BEINGS
UN-THINKERS
SHEEP - if you will.
I learned to shut my mind.
I learned not to ask questions that required a hard and real answer and thought.
I learned to like getting fucked.

The tools somehow made their way into my hands.
I used the tools to my own soul ends.
They gave me knowledge
and If you know, If you have knowledge
THEN you can find the KEY.

The KEY.
It fell into my hands.
So I used the KEY.
The KEY that unlocks you from the beast -
washes you clean,
sets you free.
Because you can truly see the ugly reality
of what is and has been in front of you.

I awoke
I am alive
for the very first time in my life, my existance in this time/space continuum.
An infant adult who has realized the magnitude of the injustice perpetrated onto the species and biosphere I am interconnected with.
By those who have a control issue.
Now I see you -
the huge white elephant in the middle of EARTH.

My eyes have been opened.

I will not participate in the destruction of my species
any longer.

I quit your stupid infantile game.

I will kill you.

Your bloated rotting visceous mass is destroying life.

I shall Trojan Horse it - until it's gone.

I shall tell my children the truth about you.

You are not to be trusted.
Nothing that comes of, or by, or from, or through you
can be trusted.
It's all suspect.

I will tell others the truth -
so far as I am able to divine it.

You are not REAL!
You are a lie, a sham, a deception and I spit into your face.

I am awake now.
I am free.
Truly free for the first time in my existance.
Epiphany is a curious thing,
There were no choirs, bright lights, halos over my head,
but I FUCKING GET IT!!!

Bugger off.
Be gone.
Your sorry sagging cunt isn't wanted here anymore.
It's been fucking us over long enough.

Quote:If the truth can be told, so as to be understood - it will be believed. -Terrence McKenna



Quote:Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on. - Led Zeppelin



Quote:But it's getting harder, to describe sailors, to the underfed. -The Doors



Quote:I'm going back to New York City, I do believe I've had enough. -Bob Dylan



Quote:And in the end, the LOVE you take, is equal to the LOVE you make. -The Beatles

January 12, 2006

The Time is Now

Isn't it time as a species to step back and take an honest look at the problems facing us? Take a look at when was the last time our family units, communities were functioning well? About the turn of the last century. Before the “industrial revolution”. The “industrial revolution” seems to have been just a convenient way to re-implement slavery only instead of just black people now everybody gets to play. Even the women too!
Why women should stay home? Because we are evolutionarily fitted for the job. Women can indeed do most everything that men can do, however, that doesn't mean we should. Men and women are different. At a biological level. Neither one is lesser than the other. It is our differences which make us unique. If you want to have a career great. Go and fulfill yourself. IF you have children, you need to be at home with them. The job of mother is too vitally important to hand off to someone else who will never have a biological connection to your children. Who will teach your children what you want them to know about life but you? Stop passing your responsibilities off to others and become an adult.
Why should we have to go anywhere for anything outside of our local community? Sure the local merchant may charge more for the services provided, however, the local merchant has a vested interest in the community and the people who live there – opposed to the multi-billion dollar corporation that only has to worry about what's best for the bottom line and the shareholders.
This is has come to me, is the only way we will be able to take back the power which was given to us by the founding members of our country. We need to stop feeding the beast. Take your money out of major banking institutions. Place it into a local bank. Or deal on a cash only basis. Stop shopping at major chains – be they grocery, department, or what have you. Start clothing yourself, from your own hand. Stop supporting slave labor of children. Grow some of your own food, so that you KNOW for certain what is on/in it. Have one parent at home with your children. Don't let the “experts” trick you into giving away your authority. Throw out your TV, gaming boxes, and what other distractions you have been fooled into thinking you NEED. Cut up your credit cards. What is so vitally important that you put yourself into indentured servitude to have it?
We have to be willing to let go of that which no longer works – not to be afraid to try new things. If our fore bearers had been so afraid as it seems we are to evolve, I wouldn't be writing these words. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, and to expect a different result.
Change is coming. At a biological level we instinctively know something new is about to click into place. That is why we are perhaps so anxious, stressed and depressed. Instead of taking the needed steps to re-evaluate our progress as a species, we have instead thrust ourselves into high gear with blinders on. As if flapping our arms, wishing, hoping, and praying hard enough will cause this flying machine to take off and soar instead of plummet towards the ground. We point our fingers at anything but what the real problem is(that what we have as a culture isn't working quite right) and throw money at it hoping that money will change the result we are getting.
We can do this – as Terrence McKenna so aptly put it - “Nine times the ice ground down over the earth and our ancestors didn't fuck up. Why should we?”
We have the ability to make it – the real question is, will we choose to? Or will we let ourselves become extinct through sheer complacency and rigidity? What do you choose? Will we go quietly, drugged, submissive, separated from the earth and our biology, malnourished in body, mind, and soul, consumed by this cultured beast which has been manufactured for us at a profit? Will we end gasping for a last, tortured, poisoned breath; dying in despair, still blinded? Cut off from our birthright, wondering where it all went wrong? Still at the last searching for something real and authentic?
Or will we reach down into ourselves, pull out the fruits of our evolution, lift ourselves up out of the quagmire that we have sunk into unwittingly? When will we say no more? When shall we rise up and cry out against the injustices perpetuated by these vile beasts? When will we demand our humanity back?
Shut off your TV. Let go of the addiction. Remove it from your life. It only makes you desire that which is utterly unattainable and nonexistent. Stop consuming for the sheer sake of consuming. Did no one ever tell you that less is more? No one ever dies wishing they had spent more time at the office or had bought more useless possessions.
The loss of influence from parents in regards to their children is occurring at a rate which is appalling, and disturbing. We as parents, have this opportunity to make REAL not unattainable differences in the world. The occasion arises when we learn that we are going to pass on our genetic code.
Who do you want to mold your offspring? Whose “values” would you like imprinted on their young minds? A TV's? A prostitiute posing as “manufactured musical talent”? The marketing industry who makes us never satisfied and content with what we have, but constantly craving more, more, more, at the expense of our species?
Are you ready to let go of the illusion of independence? No one is independent. You never can be. As long as others make your clothes, food, water, shelter. We all depend on someone else for something. Independence is illusion. How can you expect your children to be whole if from the moment they are born you push them away? Pushing via non breastfeeding, genital mutilation(circumcision), “let them cry it out”, separate sleeping places, not wearing your baby, daycare, vaccinations, abnormal/unnatural foods, education apart from you.
We wonder frequently why, (in this culture more and more now) why teenager do not want to talk to or to be anywhere near their parents? What do you suppose the effect of 12 or 13 years of pushing away from you, as the parent is? Forced independence results in alienation. You have to be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with parenthood. Accept that you really are the student. Sacrifices of self are indeed required. As a whole we have, unwittingly perhaps, handed over our responsibility to the “experts” and the system. How could anyone else ever be an “expert” on your child? They did not give birth to that child. It is in fact inconceivable.
In the last 100 years we have seen the disintegration of the family unit. The “women's liberation movement” was akin to the dying gasp of a land beached fish. It was in fact anything but liberation for now who is raising our children? Who is at home gently guiding the future of the human species? Who is nurturing the little ones? Who is?
Women are encouraged to give up their role to the medical industry. We are pushed to be uninformed about our bodies. We are forced to relinquish our choices through ignorance. We are gently nudged to unsatisfaction in every aspect of our selves.
Physicians yank babies out of the mother's body before they are ready. The result? No maternal hormones promoting bonding of mother and child. It so much easier to follow the “expert” advice from the system if you don't care about your children. How long do you think it will be after we lose that last inhibition about cloning before women give up pregnancy and birth ala “Brave New World”?
There is a movement towards not having periods at all - “abnormal to menstruate” says an OB who works for a drug company pushing a birth control product that results in only four periods per year. How can any biological function be abnormal? I will not say it is beautiful to have blood running down your legs, but it is necessary for the continuation of the species. However, now thanks to “modern” science and technology, nature and biological functions are unneeded and can only be improved upon. Billions of years of evolution could possibly be wrong of course!
We need a revolution of evolution. We need a new movement. But not a women's movement or a men's movement. Let's try a human being movement. Novel idea, however, isn't it past time? Let us wait no longer. Evolution waits for no one.

January 11, 2006

Catch



I live in the testing grounds for the "marketplace"
The Advertising Industry.
I live in a place where I am minority.
Minority not of any physical descriptors.
I am minority because I have awoken
to the reality of the illusion of the culture I was born into.
The culture that denies that humans are animals
subject to the laws of nature.

Interdependent upon the Mother,

Just like all the other animals.

Those who surrounds me,
they spoon the media blitz
into their bloated mouths,
numbed souls,
broken bodies,
with both hands.

The party,
the endless consumption.
The mindless middle – like a drug they cannot get enough.
Debased,
degraded,
desperate to hope
the next “big thing”
will fill up the vast holes inside their existence

It used to cause me anxiety - their blindness.

Now,
I turn my back on the highway,
look at my flowers
noting the beauty of
A Painted Lady butterfly collecting nectar on top a pink zinnia.

I throw the ball
and watch the sun
gleam off her back
as she springs
to catch
the golden orb

My dog is radiant.

I am hibernating until
Winter thaws.

My Very Own Blog

Well here it is. My thoughts and feelings.

Not sure what to say since this is the first post. It must get easier each time you do it.

I will be posting rants and raves and prunes and prisms from inside of me.